I am a planner by nature so diving into something as huge as bringing a life into this world took a lot of thought...like six years worth. With that being said, I knew from the moment I started dating Ben that I wanted to have a family with him someday. He is the quintessential family man and I couldn't be luckier to have such an honest, hardworking husband who is just as passionate about family life as I am.
Since family is always at the forefront of our minds, we talk a lot about parental roles, family dynamics and how we want to raise our children. Our childhoods were pretty different, but both of our moms were able to stay home with us (for at least some portion of my childhood in my case) and we want this for our own children as well. Honestly, this was one of the biggest road blocks for us and one of the reasons why we didn't start sooner - how do we make this happen in today's day and age? I know people do it but it seems like no one talks about it. I was talking to my friend last night, who is one of the first in our group to have a baby, and she looked me dead in the eye and said,"You just do it. You find a way, and you make it happen". Whether that means working part time here and there, relying on family a few days a week, whatever - you figure it out because you have to. You have this little life relying on you.
This role, and this huge responsibility, it's something that honest to God keeps me up at night. I worry for this little baby, who at this point is just a hope in our minds. I don't think about the midnight feedings and the crying and the messy house - I can deal with all of that. I think about this little person having the two best parents he/she can possibly have and how we have this HUGE responsibility of helping shape this person's view of the world and how come hell or high water, I want to be there as much as possible in those first few years to be a constant source of comfort and calm.
I woke up this morning with my wise friend's words rumbling around in my brain and I thought about my two newly pregnant girlfriends. How are they feeling? I immediately text the one and she made me laugh by saying, "I feel like you just need to accept the process. None of us are going to go homeless or hungry." Her words put things in perspective and it feel like a brick hit me on the head when I realized what I had been missing all this time. Why I have so much stress and worry and no matter how much planning and budgeting I do, nothing seems to quell my anxiety about the unknown. Because I wasn't asking the right person or the right questions.
I am a firm believer in the combination of prayer and personal actions. I'm not saying we're going to pop out four kids and say "well, God will handle it", but that anxiety in my heart will never be resolved from saving up three years' worth of pay or baby-proofing our whole house. My fear of rocking the boat and the unknown though? He will get me through it. I feel like the second I opened up my heart, the floodgates (and tears, lets be honest) opened and I finally felt like I can accept the process. Life is messy and hard and unpredictable, but I know for our family, with the help of God we can get through anything.
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