This month

Every year I enter the month of May with a tight feeling in my stomach. It's like a ticking time bomb all month until that day hits and I have to face the grief all over again. No matter what they say, it doesn't get easier, and the memories definitely do not fade. 

I think perspective is really what changes. We keep moving forward as memories and events stay the same. After my dad passed so unexpectedly I had an irrational fear of losing my mom. Homesickness would overtake me at strange moments, nightmares trumped my dreams and my fear of being alone followed me everywhere. It wasn't until I entered my 20s and I finally faced the grief that I had hid my whole childhood, that I was truly able to come to peace with the past and face the thing I feared the most: being left alone.  

This is my favorite passage from Astrid and Veronika. When I initially read it, it sort of knocked the wind out of me because it felt like the words were being spoken directly to me. I know it's morbid to think "we're born alone, we die alone", but once you accept that this life and this time we have on earth is really very short, it puts things into perspective. For me, it has made me hyper aware of what's really important and it provides me with the grace to let sad things pass and to push on towards positivity and emotional growth. 

Where I'm at now seems like a completely different life than 5, 10, 15 years ago. I think that's my main take away from both this passage and the life events that led me here. Life can change in a minute and enjoying where you're at right now is more important than anything. Right now is so sweet for us. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in and this perspective I've gained is worth more than gold to me.